The Six Wives of Tommy Pride

Louisiana Last Will and Testament
of

Thomas Ervin Pride

I, Thomas Ervin Pride, resident in the City of Montgomery, Parish of Grant, State of Louisiana, being of sound mind, not acting under duress or undue influence, and fully understanding the nature and extent of all my property and of this disposition thereof, do hereby make, publish, and declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby revoke any and all other wills and codicils heretofore made by me.

I.               FAMILY INFORMATION

Thomas “Tommy” Ervin Pride, heretofore referred to as “Tommy,” was married but six times. He was blessed beyond measure with a head full of thick, auburn curls and one hell of a personality since he graced the Earth with his presence on  July 23, 1952, until his last dying breath wheretofore he shall let the lawyers put in the proper place, date, and time, as he is currently above ground at the time of this written record.

Because of said blessings from above, Tommy garnered the attention of quite a few young women throughout his lifetime. It is this deep and lasting connection with women that has colored the landscape of Tommy’s life. Where many men end their time on Earth with splashes from one, maybe two women, Mr. Pride has tasted and seen every shade of the rainbow. Women, he asserts, are God’s greatest gift to him and he to them. 

In 1969, Tommy Pride enlisted as a builder in the United States Navy. He was stationed at the naval base in New Orleans where he met his first wife, Darlene Mayhaw. After acquiring the written permission and blessing of her father, Tommy and Darlene, were wed at the Justice of the Peace in Abita Springs, Louisiana in August of 1969. Tommy was 18 and Darlene was 15. In March of 1970, Tommy became the proud father of a baby girl, Annie Mae Pride.

July of 1970, Tommy and Darlene divorced citing “irreconcilable differences.” Mr. Pride would like it stated in the record that these differences were on account of the foolish ways in which the first and former Mrs. Pride ran a household. He would like it stated for the record that potato salad never has and never will include onions, and anyone who adds them is a blasted fool.

After an accident on base, resulting in hearing loss in Tommy’s left ear, he was honorably discharged from service and moved back home to Montgomery, Louisiana in the fall of 1970. Obtaining a job as a master plumber with Alexandria Cooling Associates Tommy met Tanya Buhlow. In May of 1971, Tommy and Tanya were married at the Liberty Bell Baptist Church. In June of 1971, Tammy Bernice Pride was born.

Citing “irreconcilable differences,” Tommy and Tanya dissolved their marriage. Tommy Pride would like it stated for the record, that these differences were due to the mountainous expanse Tammy’s head was shoved up her daddy’s ass.

From 1971 until 1974, Mr. Tommy Pride did not marry. He spent his time plumbing, fishing, and building his home on Iatt Lake. Mr. Tommy Pride would like it mentioned in the record that throughout this time he met and kept the company of many fine women, and while he cannot recall all their names, the effect they had on his heart and his bones remains deeply etched within himself. Mr. Pride would like it noted that women are exotic and peculiar creatures, but the moment shared together is as sweet and satisfying as hooking a slew of blue cats on a trotline. It is one of his favorite pastimes and special skills.

Christmas of 1974, Tommy Pride and Belinda Patrick welcomed daughters, Amanda Lynn and Jessica Dale. New Year’s Day, 1975 Tommy and Belinda were wed. They lived and loved for three long years. Mr. Tommy Pride would like it noted in the record that Mrs. Patrick-Pride’s citation of “Adultery” in the divorce proceedings was inaccurate.

Throughout the late 1970s and early 1980s, Tommy Pride minded his manners. He allowed no woman to take his last name. He spent his time plumbing, fishing, and cultivating herbs on his land out in the woods. He would like it known his discovery of the Upside Down Tomato Plant should have landed him in the textbooks. He would like it very much if his nephew, Little Ricky, would take care to hide his buds and make sure Louise doesn’t let her dopeheaded son, Travis, haul off with a single leaf.

 He would also like it known that Kim Watson, was a very dear friend, and should have a heartfelt mention on the occasion of his passing. He would also like it known that there is no evidence her three children have any claim to his name. They look more like David Wheeler down the road. They’ve got his nose.

In 1986, Tommy took a job at Lock and Dam #3 in Marco, Louisiana where he met Darla Donne. Tommy was 34, Ms. Dubois was 18.

Mr. Tommy would like it mentioned that his wedding to the fourth Mrs. Pride was by far his favorite wedding. He would like it written that “William Donne can throw one hell of a party. He hated my guts, but damn it if he can’t party.” He would also like it known that, no, his father-in-law did not, in fact, pull a gun on him and chase him off his property. It was a knife, and he only got so far as the front yard.

Regardless of his strained relations with his in-laws, Darla and Tommy were married for four years, and welcomed two beautiful girls into the world: Mahaly in 1987 and Billie in 1989. Mr. Tommy would like it mentioned that Darla. She couldn’t cook worth a flip, but she sure was nice to look at.

Kim Watson was the reason for the divorce. Mr. Tommy Pride wholeheartedly accepts this narrative.

He would also like it recorded that yes, he did call Darla “Darlene” when he wanted to piss her off. And yes, he did find it funny.

The fifth Mrs. Pride was not Bessie Sue Jenkins, although, she wanted to be. That is all Mr. Tommy has to say about that.

The fifth Mrs. Pride was Louise Trahan, and Mr. Tommy Pride will say no more about Louise other than he should have never picked her up on the side of Highway 71 back in 1995. He should have let the sun cook her up within an inch of her life and let the buzzards gnaw on her innards until Kingdom come. He should’ve never wasted an ounce of his shine on her lot-lizard-looking ass.

He knows you will scour the earth trying to find where he hid what little money you didn’t steal, Louise, but you’ll never find it.

The marriage lasted six weeks. They had no children. Her son Travis is not his—just look at the ugly bastard. That’s no fruit of Tommy’s loins.

The sixth and final Mrs. Pride was the third Mrs. Pride. Belinda Patrick-Pride and Tommy reconciled in 2007 after being apart for over twenty years. She overlooked the eighteen years of missed child support because he took her to the Paragon Casino and let her eat all the crab legs she could hold in her gullet. 

Mr. Tommy Pride would like it stated that while he missed most birthdays, Christmases, graduations, and weddings of all six of his daughters. It is his request they name at least one of their children, boy or girl, after him in whatever fashion they see fit; However, he prefers Tommy or Tommie.

He would also like it stated that he did not have any favorite daughter. Tammy just moved down the road so she was closest.

II.               EXPENSES & TAXES

I hereby authorize my Personal Representative to settle and discharge, in his or her absolute discretion, any claims made against my estate. Excepting Louise Trahan—any debt owed to her is a lie. She took all she’s going to get.

Taxes are a deadgum scam. However, let it be known that I wouldn’t have had any debts or taxes if it wouldn’t have been for Bessie Sue Jenkins calling the IRS on me. The only bank that can be trusted is the safe under my bed, and no, Louise, I don’t care if you know where it is because 1. You ain’t getting into it, and 2. Little Ricky has been told to snatch it up and hide it just as soon as the undertaker puts me in the back of his truck.

III.             PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE

I nominate and appoint Tammy Bernice Pride Lasalle, of Grant Parish of Verda, State of Louisiana as Personal Representative of my estate and I request that she be appointed Personal Representative. If my Personal Representative fails or ceases to so serve, then I nominate Richard “Little Ricky” Dennis Pride of Grant Parish of Montgomery, State of Louisiana to serve. If they can’t do it, then I guess my sister Joanne can do it, but not if she’s still shacking up with that Bruce Laborde.

IV.            DISPOSITION OF PROPERTY

I devise and bequeath my property, both real and personal and wherever situated, as follows:

1st Beneficiary

Tammy Bernice Pride Lasalle, currently of  Verda, Louisiana, as my daughter whose last four (4) digits of their Social Security Number (SSN) are xxx-xx-5480 with the following property:

The house on Iatt Lake 

4 Smith & Wesson guns

1999 Dodge Dakota Truck

1 Aluminum Boat - give it to Little Ricky

All the other crap can go to Little Ricky or just sell it to Danny Roque at the junkyard. Don’t let Louise get shit.

2nd Beneficiary

Mahaly Pride Beauboeuf currently of Natchitoches, Louisiana as my daughter whose last four (4) digits of their Social Security Number (SSN) are xxx-xx-3821 with the following property:

1 dog named Roscoe - I think I remember your mama saying you liked animals.

2 Upside Down Tomato Plants - just keep them in a dark corner to dry out—you can burn some of the leaves like incense when your little sister is around on account of she’s got that anxiety or some other nonsense. It’ll relax her. You’re welcome.

If any of my beneficiaries are dead then just give it to Little Ricky. He’ll do something with it.

If any of my property cannot be readily sold and distributed, then it may be donated to Liberty Bell Baptist Church. Don’t let Louise take a damn thing.

V.           OMISSION

Except to the extent that I have included them in this Will, you have intentionally been excluded. I left you out on purpose, Bobby Watkins, you sorry sumbitch. I know you told my daddy I was the one that left that gate open back in 1962. I got my ass tore up for them goats getting out, and we both know it was you that done it. That 16-foot aluminum boat we went in on is going to Little Ricky. My name’s on the title, not yours.

Kim Watson’s kids don’t get anything of mine. I’m telling you those are David Wheeler’s kids.

VI.           DISCRETIONARY POWERS OF PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE

Just be nice to your sisters, Tammy.

VII.         CONTESTING BENEFICIARY

If any beneficiary under this Will contests or attacks this Will, Tammy, don’t give them anything. Don’t even tell them I’m dead.

VIII.           GOVERNING LAW

This document shall be governed by the laws in the State of Louisiana.

IX. NOTARIAL TESTAMENT & ATTESTATION

BE IT KNOWN that I, Thomas “Tommy” Ervine Pride, do make this my Last and Will and Testament, revoking all previous wills and codicils. I meant every word of what I said.

See you in hell, Louise.

STATE OF LOUISIANA

PARISH OF GRANT